I once heard a thing, which I\u2019ll paraphrase here: people are what they can\u2019t stop doing. The context was intelligence gathering: if you want to catch or blackmail a foreign official, another spy, etc., you learn their compulsions. Me? I can\u2019t stop buying Faberg\u00e9 eggs (it\u2019s a $1,500-a-day habit).<\/p>\n
I tend to think that\u2019s what history tells us about human nature. Things change all the time, but there are certain patterns of weird behavior that transcend generations and cultures. Patterns like totalitarianism and war. We don\u2019t necessarily like<\/i> these things, but humans just can\u2019t stop doing them. War, particularly, has shaped so much of human history that I suspect it might be an inextricable part of human nature.<\/p>\n
That said, humans aren\u2019t always great at following through, even with the things we are hopelessly wont to do. Sometimes compulsion can bring us to war\u2019s doorstep, but for whatever reason\u2014maybe humanity\u2019s just having an off day\u2014we just can\u2019t bring war to its traditional, horrific conclusions.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s what happened in 1784, when four warships converged in a fight for control over the Scheldt River. The defenders fired a single shot which completely annihilated the enemy flagship\u2019s . . . soup kettle. The superior attacking force promptly decided \u201cf**k this, not worth it,\u201d then surrendered. And thus we had the Kettle War.<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ha ha ha\u2014no. The French, believe it or not, enjoyed a reputation for military prowess before they were blitzkrieged by the German war machine in the 20th century. That\u2019s why the United States military is modeled primarily after the French military. Hence the reason we say \u201clieutenant,\u201d as opposed to the English-er \u201cleftenant.\u201d But I digress.<\/p>\n In this case, the belligerents were the Northern Netherlands and the Southern Netherlands.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t mean to be pedantic, but I\u2019m going to explain the context as if you don\u2019t know anything about how the Netherlands became a country:<\/p>\n The short version is that, originally, the \u201cNetherlands\u201d just referred to the Germanic lowlands, and the area was populated by various counties and duchies that each had their own way of doing things. The Netherlands were, for a time, owned entirely by Spain. Spain, in turn, was being run by the House of Habsburg\u2014royal Austrians who also controlled the Holy Roman Empire for nearly 400 years. So, for our purposes, consider Spain like a subsidiary of the Holy Roman Empire.<\/p>\n Starting in 1568, some of the Dutch people of the Netherlands led a \u201cDutch Revolt\u201d against their Spanish landlords. Actually, it was a series of revolts and conflicts that lasted for 80 years. Finally, in 1648, with no clear path to victory for either the Dutch or the Spanish, the two factions reached a peace agreement.<\/span>1<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n The result was that the Dutch gained their independence from the Spanish (and, therefore, the Holy Roman Empire). This was the first time the Dutch people had their own nation-state, occupying the northern part of the Netherlands region. This divided, by political lines, the Netherlands territory into the Northern Netherlands and the Southern Netherlands\u2014the latter being the part that the Spanish were able to keep, in spite of the Dutch Revolts.<\/p>\n For a little modern context, the Northern Netherlands are, more or less, today\u2019s Netherlands: the country. The Southern Netherlands, well\u2014we don\u2019t call those Netherlands anymore. Now we call \u2018em Belgium, Germany, and Luxembourg, or parts therein.<\/span>2<\/sup><\/a><\/span> <\/span>3<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n So, by\u00a01784, things were still tense between the Northern Netherlands and the Holy Roman Empire they\u2019d left behind almost 140 years earlier. The Northern Netherlands was a pretty wealthy little patch of land, and they\u2019d been keeping the Scheldt River on lockdown ever since 1585.<\/p>\n Hey, no big deal\u2014it was their river, right? Sure, part of it was. Namely, the part that connected to the North Sea. But the whole river is 270 miles long, and it flows through a bunch of other places once it winds its way inland through the Netherlands.<\/span>4<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n Belgium, which was part of the Southern Netherlands, which was in turn part of the Holy Roman Empire, had some nice little trading harbors in Ghent and Antwerp\u2014both on the Scheldt River. But the Northern Netherlands controlled another important part of the Scheldt: the mouth. Anybody who wanted to travel from the North Sea and into the ports of Ghent and Antwerp had to go through the Northern Netherlands.<\/p>\n Locking up that river, therefore, was a bit of an economy buster for that part of the Holy Roman Empire.<\/p>\n You know who didn\u2019t like it when the Dutch f**ked with the Holy Roman Empire\u2019s money? The Holy Roman Emperor, Joseph II.<\/p>\n \u201cAch! Du Dutch!\u201d he said, \u201copen up the Scheldt River! Schnell!\u201d He also said it with ships. He sent three of them, including his own flagship, Le Louis<\/i>, to open up that river even schneller.<\/p>\n One of the provinces of the Northern Netherlands wasn\u2019t about to give up control over the Scheldt River without a very small fight<\/i>, however. The Admiralty of Zeeland deployed a fleet to stop Joseph II\u2019s ships in their tracks. This Northern fleet consisted of De Dolfijn<\/i>, which, yup, means \u201cdolphin\u201d in Dutch.<\/p>\n Anyway, that\u2019s it. They just sent the one ship. It was the classic one-versus-three naval gambit, where you send one-third the number of ships you should send, then just hope for the best.<\/p>\nWere the Kettle War Attackers French?<\/h3>\n
Kettle War: Northern Dutch v. Southern Dutch (Holy Roman Empire)<\/h3>\n
River Fiiiiiiight!<\/h3>\n